Tuesday, March 12, 2013

Get It Together

Fair warning: this is a soapbox post!

When it comes to our own estate, Miss Chef and I are pretty well prepared. We have a few reasons—I nearly lost my father a few times, and so the phrase “end of life” has real meaning to me.  In addition, not having the built-in protection of marriage, I wanted to make sure nobody could remove Miss Chef from our home, or keep from her the assistance of the savings I’ve built thanks in large part to her presence in my life.  And we both travel a fair amount alone by car, visiting our families.  I have a good enough imagination to get a little paranoid about terrible accidents.

Over a year ago, when North Carolina put in place a constitutional amendment banning all kinds of domestic partner benefits, I got serious about protecting Miss Chef in the case of my untimely death.  I found a “friendly” lawyer who has experience with gay and lesbian couples, and set up a meeting.  It took us months to get the dang things signed (the lawyer recommended an extra witness to the signing, and that was a scheduling nightmare), but in truth it was very, very simple.  The lawyer told us exactly what documents we needed, gave us guidance when we weren’t sure about our choices, and gave us advice about keeping and sharing our documents.  Yes, it cost us money—about $600 each—but I doubt I could find a better investment these days.

After her mother passed away, Miss Chef discovered that nobody in her family had a will prepared!  This included her brother and sister-in-law, who have three little girls.  When she told them she had a will, so they were going to get them, I looked at her smugly, thinking of the weeks and months I had nagged her to arrange that final signing.  Truth is, I felt really good the day I signed mine, knowing that I had done everything I could to take care of her, and I felt relieved when I knew hers was done.

As Miss Chef started to go through all the nitpicky details of figuring out her mother’s financial status, we both realized there remained a few details we needed to write down to help each other if we ever needed to figure out each other’s accounts.  Among other things, she had to search for how many accounts there were at which banks, how to log into them online, how many credit card and other credit accounts were out there, how many life insurance policies existed, and how to access them.

And these days, there are so many other accounts—Facebook, Amazon, cell phones, emails, this Blogger account, and on and on.  Sure, she already has access to some of those, and could easily find others, but she has no idea what my Facebook login is. And what if the worst should happen, and we were both killed in some horrible accident? Then my parents or brother would be left digging through my papers, trying to figure out where my mortgage statements and Amazon password are. 

So “write down accounts and passwords” has been on my to-do list for several weeks.  But there are so many accounts; how do I organize them?  What if I forget some?  What exactly do I need to write down?  Then this morning on the way to work, I heard a story on NPR about a woman who went through the worst—she lost her young, healthy husband before they had bothered to sign their wills.  In addition to mourning her husband and supporting her young girls, she had to slog through all those details that make up a modern life.

This woman has created a website which provides a great, great service.  It’s called Get Your Shit Together, and it takes the Scary out of end-of-life planning.  She gives templates for the few documents you really need—you don’t necessarily need a lawyer to write a will or medical power of attorney.  She also has checklists to help you make sure all the information your loved ones need will be easily available, saving them the heartache of worrying about your credit card bill while they try to adjust to life without you in it.

Yes, Miss Chef and I are pretty well prepared.  But in going through the Details list, I learned that I had never named beneficiaries for my employer-provided life insurance and retirement funds!  Here I was, assuming Miss Chef would have more than enough money to take care of my funeral, and she would have had to fight to get it.

So, learn from my mistakes.  If you care about your spouse, your children, your living family, take 15 minutes to visit the site.  It will give you a great idea of where to start, and show you how simple it really is.  You don’t have to write your will today.  You can do it tomorrow after work.  Or set aside a couple of hours to do it this weekend.  Just do it.  It’s the best gift you can give to those you love.

18 comments:

  1. We have wills, etc. My biggest fear was that we would both die at the same time, and then what would happen to our animals (kids). So we made wills, arranged forever homes for our "kids", and provided for them. One less thing to worry about.

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    1. You know, I had never thought about what might happen if we both died, and so I'd never thought to make arrangements for Rosie. But she's so easy-going, if my parents didn't snatch her up, several of our friends would be happy to adopt her. I can see why horses might need a little more consideration!

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    2. It's the car accident fear.
      No one in our families know jack about horses (or want to, for that matter) - they need to go to people that would love them and know how to care for them.

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  2. What a great subject that makes us reflect on our own situation and especially think of those that will have to deal with our affairs after our death. I have a will but I have to write down all the other things you wrote about...

    I just came back from meeting a lawyer because I'm executor of the will of a uncle and it's a process that will take nearly a year to settle. There are a lot of things to deal with.

    Thank you for the reminder.

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    1. Katou, I highly recommend you check out the website, if only for the lists. I saw that you are in Canada, so the other documents might not be as useful, but just having direction and organization for all that nit-picky information was a big help for me.

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  3. I see this as less of a soapbox post and more of a public service!

    We have been terribly lax about these things. I'll check out that link. I do much better when lists are already made for me. Thank you :)

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    1. Ah, then these lists should be right up your alley!

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  4. Are you just hinting that you want me to will you my dog? Leave you a lock of my hair? No, really, this is a great idea. Have you registered as domestic partners? I worry about my friends who may not be able to get into the hospital room to be with their partners.

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    1. You can will me a first-edition signed copy of your book!

      There's no way for us to register as domestic partners--the new Amendment to the state constitution was the nail in that coffin. All the paperwork we've had done will give us visitation rights, but it'll suck if I have to go home and get them out of the safe before I'm allowed to see her.

      Now you're getting me onto a whole different soapbox...watch out!

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  5. We are lucky in this country as the law is quite supportive to same sex couples...
    The first thing we did when we bout the cottage was to find a solicitor and sort out wills out.... Our solicitor was chuffed as we were her first " gays"

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    1. John, I am usually proud to be an American, but we can be so unkind when it comes to anyone who does not look, act, believe, or live the way we do that it's depressing. I'll be hopping on to your blog shortly to see what you're up to today!

      Nancy in Iowa

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    2. John--That's great that your attorney was so happy to do the work--we have a few liberal friends and relatives who seem to enjoy the "cool factor" of knowing us, which isn't quite the same as the general support you describe, but I'll take it.

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  6. This is a wonderful and welcome post! I did make a will several years ago in Atlanta, leaving all to my daughter. The lawyer was a friend and gave me a really good price. She also insisted I provide for secondary beneficiaries in case something happened to my daughter. Years have passed, I'm now in Iowa, the will is recorded in a Georgia county, and I now have a grandson. I have little money - most of it I'm now saving toward moving back to Ga, but I realize I need to update the will. I'm one of those who happily puts things off, but I do want to get back East before I spend the money on a lawyer. HOWEVER - you have done a great service by telling us about this informative website, and I will go there to see what I need to do NOW!!! Thanks!
    Nancy in Iowa

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    1. I hope you find it helpful. You might want to contact the lawyer who originally drew up your will. It might be cheaper to have them update it, rather than starting over.

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  7. Good for you - both for having your shit together already and giving such a good, practical suggestion to others. Kim and I have the benefit of being married, but we still went through the process of writing our wills (and also living wills in case we are incapacitated) a few years ago. We don't have kids, but even so it was a relief to know that we wouldn't be burdening anyone unduly at a time when they would be grieving for us. You are sooooo right - everyone needs a will.

    And your post before this was so heartfelt, so tender, so sad. I am really looking forward to hearing Miss Chef is back home with you, so you can begin finding your way into this next part of your lives. Big hugs to you both. XOXO

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    1. A smart person learns from his own mistakes...a wise person learns from the mistakes of others. After hearing stories of others' tragedies being complicated by a hindrance of paperwork, it does feel so good to know we are prepared.

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  8. We still haven't done ours. Thanks for the advice, I'll check that site out.

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